The Slow Road to Insanity
by psycho-uchiha
Summary: Naruto's live a life of nothing but misery since Sasuke left home after attempting to kill him. Now, Naruto's an accomplished artist and is in college taking courses in art and in creative writing. But when the assignments start to become too personal, Naruto realizes a little more of what should have really happened nine years ago. AU!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note; Yes, this is a short story I've been working on that's going to be uploaded in two installments. This, is the first one and the second one will come this weekend when I update Monsters Inside me and Help Me.

First of all, this is a story where I actually intended to be only one installment, but I couldn't just kill Naruto off in the first try D: Hell, I'm having a hard time with this one at all! And I know there's going to be questions on what the short story was that he wrote, and what will be in the suicide letter that he wrote as well, and they will all be revealed in the next installment where it will be almost triple the length of this one itself.

I'm not making a pairing in this, there won't be anything but the main event of this story; Naruto dying (yes I know, sad and I'm even going to cry because I can't believe I'm doing this to him myself!) But, this is an attempt to write a short story tragedy with angst that I want to publish in the near and possible future along with Help Me and possibly My Life as a Roller Coaster with another name.

And, to add to my note, this is a major AU and the only reason why Minato has no family is because his family is known as a military family and a lot of his family died in wars, though his parents died in a car crash and he never knew anyone else from his side of the family. There might be other Namikaze, but neither Naruto or Minato know any that might exist.

Okay, I think I'm going to make this the end of my author's note, the installment 1 is 6,987 words long without the authors' note. And I hope everyone enjoys, though they know it'll be a very sad ending. I know I'm going to cry when this is over :( I'll see you all next week with the end!

_**The Slow Road to Insanity**_

I glanced down at the mess in front of me. Hell, I've been pretty messy when it comes to my art work nowadays. To be honest, I loved the feel of paint on my skin when I worked, which is why I have every inch of the floor in my studio covered with tarps and painters' floor covers so I wouldn't ruin the hard wood floor underneath that cost a lot to put in since I refused to let my studio stay with bright pink carpets.

Either way, Dad said he'd pay for every bit of renovation that I needed on my apartment if I only give him a call before hand and before I changed my mind and if I didn't flunk any of my classes I was taking at Konoha University that I worked so hard to get in for the writing department and the Art department. And thinking about my homework, I hadn't started on it yet and I had ten pages or more to write double spaced for Kurenai-sensei on a short story that was due tomorrow morning. It honestly could be as long as we wanted, but she wanted it to be no fewer on 1,000 words and no more than 5,000 words or she'd simply only give half credit because she had possibly a hundred or so students all together for class and she couldn't spent a whole lot of time reading and grading everyone's work. It'd simply be too much for her.

When I looked at the alarm clock on the wall from where I sat on the floor in front of my recent painting for my Art class, the clock read three in the morning. Well, another night without sleep, I thought. It was normal for me not to sleep anymore, honestly. Mostly because I could do nothing but lay on my bed tossing and turning, memories that I want to forget for the rest of my life repeating in my dreams if I fell too deep into sleep, memories that just don't know how to go away. I guess you could say that I'm letting the past get to me.

Sighing heavily, I stood up and gazed over my painting; the picture of a pale figure dressed in fine linens from the early twentieth century sitting on a red velvet couch reading a book from Shakespeare. His onyx hair flowing past his shoulders in a natural wave that accented his pale skin marvelously and suited him well even though it was his natural hair color. His onyx eyes that were dark, just like his hair, focused on the book in hand, peering through a pair of glasses that complemented him well also. The man that tormented me for years, and I still drew him like he was standing next to me, like the good old days when I would ask him to be my subject for art class whenever we had to do portraits of others, mostly because I couldn't draw anyone else as perfectly as I could draw him.

I was about to turn and leave my studio when my cell phone in my pocket started ringing loudly, and I cursed with a hoarse voice from not talking for a long time. Hell, I hadn't had a decent conversation with anyone since that incident nine years ago.

"Hello? Naruto speaking." I said into the phone with a cracked voice as I sat back down on the floor where I was, wishing I had something to smoke since I ran out yesterday and didn't bother getting any more this morning when I went out.

"Hey, it's just Sakura, I was just getting home from work and was wondering what you're doing tomorrow after classes." My one and only friend asked loudly into her phone. I guess her shift at the hospital was over.

"I don't know, work on my homework?" I said almost in an annoyed tone because I wanted nothing to do with her right now.

"Naruto, you do nothing but work yourself to death. To be bluntly honest, I was calling to see if you were still awake, but seeing as you've answered, you're not in bed like you're supposed to be." She sighed into the phone, and I knew she was telling the truth now.

"I just can't sleep, and I had homework in Art to finish up, now I have that paper for Kurenai-sensei that's due in the morning that I still have yet to even start." I told her, no use lying to her about anything now.

"Naruto, I'm coming over, okay?" Sakura said after a few minutes of silence, and now I was curing heavily inside my head.

"Don't, you should go home and get some sleep Sakura." I whined into the phone.

"Naruto, you need sleep, when was the last time you slept decently?" She asked.

"I don't even remember, but I have been getting some sleep here and there." I said, not knowing if I was lying or not.

"Well, either way, I'm coming over." She said.

"Fine, and if you're coming over, get me some smokes, Camel Filters and Camel Wides, I'll give you the money when you get here." I told her as I crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"You need to stop smoking too."

"Then don't come over." I said, and her frustrated sigh let me know she gave in to my demand, because this happened last time; no smokes, no access to my apartment.

"Fine, I'll be there in ten minutes."

"I'll be in the shower, the door will be unlocked." I sighed heavily and the two of us ended the phone call as I stood up and took in one last look at the painting before I put my phone back in my pocket.

Sighing once again, I turned to leave my studio, taking off the sandals that I wore solely in the studio so I couldn't track paint anywhere else in the apartment, I dragged myself to the bathroom and turned the shower on so I could clean myself up to get started on my writing assignment. Honestly, I hadn't even thought about what I should even do for it. The instructor simply stated that we should check out this website and sign up for the thirty days of inspiration thing. I've already done that and downloaded the small ebook, but to be bluntly honest, none of the inspirations caught my attention. So that's my excuse for not having started the project in the first place. But I knew that I'd simply get an ear full if I showed up to class with nothing once again since coming up empty handed has now become a new issue for me because I'm so engrossed in my art that I haven't had any inspiration for writing, and it's been two weeks already.

As I waited for the water in my shower, I stared at myself in the mirror, only to see the reflection of someone that I didn't recognize and didn't want to know.

He had messy blonde hair that hadn't been washed in two days since he didn't have classes on Saturday, Sunday and Wednesday. He had massive black circles under his eyes that he'd have to hide away with more make up that made him look horrible to begin with, but he was content with hiding the tired look in his skin so he didn't have people asking him questions every minute of the day to see if he was truly alright. His blue eyes were dull, almost lifeless as he let the world around him crush him to the point that he just didn't care anymore and the deep but slightly visible scars on his right cheek that spread from his chin to his temple were a reminder of someone from his past that wanted to make sure he'd be able to remember him.

As I brought my fingers to those very scars, tracing the tips of my fingers lightly over them, images of that dark haired man flashed in front of my eyes and all I wanted to do was cry.

It had been what, nine years since the man had been in his life and hasn't dared to show his face again after leaving him for dead in the streets of Konoha because the man suddenly thought I was too much of a burden and a waste of space?

It took a moment to realize that I had started crying and punched the mirror hard enough to crack before I tore my paint stained sweats off and got into the shower. Now was not the time to think about the bastard when I had a paper to write. But then it dawned on me what I'd do for the project when I then realized the reason I couldn't write normally anymore; I'll write about him, then maybe I can get him off my shoulders, out of my mind, and out of my life hopefully for good. I just hoped that our instructor didn't ask too many questions about the paper when she graded it. But I'd have to make some moderate changes to the two main characters; me, and him. But most of the physical appearances would say somewhat the same, like our hair styles and such.

So when I got the idea plotted in my mind, I hurried in my shower, being careful to wash the used to be dried pain off my stomach, arms and out of my hair because I have the tendency to comb fingers through my hair when I'm thinking, even if I did have paint all over my hands.

It took an hour for me to completely rid my physical appearance of any sign of paint before I was satisfied with the results before getting out of the shower, drying and getting dressed in a pair of black flannel night pants and a black tank top. Now, I'm sitting with Sakura on the couch with a sandwich and a steaming cup of green tea with the laptop on my lap, staring at the blank document as I thought of how I should even start this short story. I know the plot, but always starting got me confused because it has to be right or it's boring to read.

Of course, I've thought about what the teacher would say when she read it, probably would call my father to see if he knows anything about how I'm really doing and how I'm really living my life. But Minato, my father, has no idea about anything when it comes to me anymore except that I've excluded him from my life all together except for a call once in a while. But I know that she knows that I'm a total insomniac and I think she also knows that I cut myself on and off these past two years. Kurenai-sensei was really observant, hell, she was a retired detective that decided to become a creative writing instructor at Konoha's finest University.

At least I don't do drugs or alcohol. I knew better than to drag my life that low for hopes of being able to restart mine, but so far, that's only been a distant dream. I can't see myself living happy with someone else, somewhere else. And I decided to start the story there, glad that Sakura decided to be quiet for a moment since the two of us argued about me needing to stay up and finish my homework.

**xxxxxxx**

Morning came too quickly and I still had to print off my paper. I had taken the time to add my header so I wouldn't fail because Kurenai-sensei was all about making sure we all had headers correctly done when we turned in something for her. But it always took me forever to get it right even with Sakura helping me. Of course, I didn't get to sleep at all last night so when I got the paper done, I had an hour to get dressed, make up slathered on my face to cover the dark circles under my eyes and the scar on my cheek so no one would stare at me and get something to eat before I had to rush out of my door and to my car. I also decided to give Sakura a ride to school today since she didn't have work and she got done with her classes roughly when I got done with mine, but she insisted on driving instead of me, mostly because I couldn't get my eyes to focus correctly unless I threw cold water on my face.

"Naruto, I can't believe you didn't sleep like you told me you were going to. You know as well as I do that you could have slept after you got your paper for Kurenai-sensei done." Sakura sighed heavily from the drivers seat.

"Because you know as well as I do that soon I'll be crashing." I huffed as I pulled out my smokes and lit one as I cracked my window. Taking a deep inhale and exhaled my smoke, though I wished it went out the window instead of linger around me, so I put my window down further.

"And someone has to be there when you do or you'll be on the floor for hours." Sakura said, coughing lightly when some of the smoke made it her way before leaving out the window. "And don't smoke while I'm in the car with you please?"

"Sorry." I sighed and finished my smoke and threw its butt out the window and let my window stay down a little bit longer to let the lingering smoke escape.

"Naruto, are you still thinking about him?" Sakura asked a few minutes later, and I tensed as an answer. "I saw the painting you did for art class."

"But that doesn't mean I'm thinking about him."

"I also saw the cracked mirror in your bathroom this morning." She added, and I could no longer lie to her about it.

"Fine, I was thinking about him, so what of it?" I hissed. I was seriously getting tired of her interrogating me whenever she came over.

"You know that if you think of him, it won't help you forget what he did to you." Sakura said, though I know she was dead on right.

"I know that, damn it. I just … I can't stop thinking about him. And every time I do, I just wish everything would just end, because I'm useless and I can't do anything right." I wanted to yell, but instead, it came out as a choked mumble and I buried my face in my hands, mostly trying to hid the tears that were falling. "I lost _him_, I lost my Grandfather, my Mother, I can't lose anyone else."

"I … I didn't know that's how you've been feeling Naruto." Sakura said once the car stopped, and when I heard the engine turn off, that meant we were at the campus and I wanted to get out of the car before I made even more of a fuss, but she pulled me into a tight embrace and I could swear I heard her crying too.

"I know it's been hard for you Naruto, and it's been hard for me as well, but we need to try and move forward, leave him behind. He's never coming back and we should accept that. What would Kakashi think if he could see us now?" She said.

"Kakashi would make us forget him, but knowing me, I'd still remember but that's just how I am. I can't forget him Sakura, nor can I move on. It's just not possible. Every time I try, I get worse and worse and this cycle that can't seem to end for me needs to stop." I sobbed onto her shoulder.

"I know Naruto, I know." Sakura said in a hushing kind of voice. It was soft, and she knew it'd help me calm down, but this time it took forever for me to calm down and I broke our connection after a few minutes, wiping my face dry with my sleeve and got out of the car with my stuff and she tossed me my keys back as we went inside.

It didn't take me long to print off my homework in the library, but it took me forever to get to class mostly because I didn't want to go and turn my project in. I knew doing it like this would be the worst idea I've ever had, but Sakura was with me to make sure I went to class and pushed me along the corridor and pushed me into the classroom.

"See you for lunch Naruto." She smiled and waved as she went back down the way we came to the other side of the campus for her nursing classes.

"Well, hello there Naruto, nice of you to join us." Kurenai-sensei said as I stood in the doorway. I gulped hard before walking in and taking my usual seat in the back of the room. Looks like she already took attendance.

"Alright, now that everyone is here, lets turn in all of your writing assignments. Today we're going to work on a special writing topic that will require everyone to have partners. Now, on the board is your prompt and you're to write an essay from this and it's due by the end of the class." Kurenai-sensei said as she stepped to the side so everyone could read the board and it said;

"_**Okay, you find out your best friend is self harming themselves, in some way. Write a five hundred word essay on what this friend of yours could have been thinking and or feeling to make them harm themselves."**_

Great, now I really wanted to die. Who in the hell could I partner up with? And why in the hell is she making this the damn subject of the prompt? She must know I've done something in the past two weeks or else she wouldn't bring this up!

"Okay, I've already got everyone partnered up with someone." She said as she stepped back to her desk and picked up her planner, naming off everyone she put together as partners, and all I could hear, was not my name, until now. "And last but not least, Naruto Uzumaki and Gaara Sabaku."

Who the fuck is that?

"Now, either partner can move, but you have to be sitting together to get this done so lets go quickly, and while you're up, turn in your writing assignment from the weekend." Kurenai-sensei said a moment later.

I sighed heavily and got up out of my seat, going up to the front of the class and turned in my paper, making sure it was on the bottom so it'd be the last one from this class that she'd read and went back to my desk, only to find a red head sitting next to my chair. Oh, now I remember who Gaara is.

"Hey Naruto, long time no see." He said softly as I sat down next to him, sinking in my chair as I made sure not to make eye contact.

"Hi." Was all I said before I grabbed a pad of paper and my pen from my bag and proceeded to start writing.

"Is something wrong Naruto?" Gaara asked as he scooted his seat closer to me and pulled the pad of paper from my hands, this made me finally look at him and his teal eyes. Yes, Gaara had problems with insomniac too, but he was actually getting help with his problems, I on the other hand, ignored mine as long as I possibly could.

"I'm just tired." I said, forcing myself to look away and wish I wasn't here anymore.

"Did you get any sleep last night?" He asked, and he genuinely sounded worried.

"Yea, but it wasn't a lot." I lied, picking up my pad of paper again, only to have it taken from my hands once again and forced to look Gaara in the eye.

"Naruto, I'm an insomniac, I know if someone's slept or not, and I can see that you haven't slept in days. When was the last time you got sleep anyway, and tell me the truth." Gaara said, and I knew I couldn't lie to him.

"I haven't slept all week last week." I said, my gaze going back to the pad of paper, which only had simple words listed what a person could be feeling when they self harm.

"Then you should go home." Gaara said.

"But I can't Gaara, I have art class later." I sighed.

"I'll turn your work in, it's on my way to psychology." He offered, but I shook my head and pulled back.

"I'll get some sleep after my classes, I only have this and art today. Sakura's car is at my place so she has to take me home anyway." I shrugged.

"Are you sure Naruto?" Gaara asked, and I nodded.

"Yea, I'm sure, now we need to get working or Kurenai-sensei will make us read our work in front of the class." I said, my voice low as I grabbed my pad and started writing again a few more lines before handing it to him to write something off of what I did.

He sighed heavily before he finally gave up on trying to convince me to go home after this class. It's not like I could get myself to focus to drive anyway, which is making me wish that Sakura kept my keys with her so I wouldn't drive. But as I sat there, letting him write on our project, I suddenly wanted to get out of the room for a few minutes, so I stood up and went to Kurenai-sensei's desk, trying not to look like a sore loser as I went.

"Is there something I can do for you Naruto?" She asked when I got there.

"Um, mind if I step out for a few minutes? I'm getting a headache and my Aleve is in my car." I said, and I wasn't lying. I was getting a major headache, which, I realize, is why I wanted to leave the room to begin with.

"Sure, just don't take too long okay Naruto?" She nodded and I left the classroom as gracefully as I possibly could, but not without stumbling into the door before I could open it up.

I knew that a few people were watching me, it's not hard, I'm even used to it, but when I finally got the door opened, I left the classroom and used the wall to help me stay standing until I got to my car.

I know it's lack of water, sleep and food giving me this headache, and I'll fix that later when I go home with Sakura, but right now, I'm only half way to the fucking car and I gotta stop to get my vision clear enough to even see where I'm going.

"Naruto, do you need help?" Someone said behind me making me jump and trip over my feet, but surprisingly, I never met the ground, but someone's arms instead.

"Gaara?" I asked in a tired and pained voice.

"Yea, Kurenai-sensei wanted me to make sure you were alright since you … stumbled out of the classroom." He said.

"Oh …" Was all I said before I sighed heavily and he helped me sit down on a bench that was near by in the lounge area by the entrance.

"Give me your keys and I'll go get your Aleve for you." Gaara said a moment later when I knew I wouldn't fall over.

"It's in the console." I sighed heavily, handing him my keys in defeat when he out glared me in my own contest and I rested my head back on the cool bricks that made up the walls and I closed my eyes.

"I'll be right back." Gaara said, and I heard him walk away and heard the entrance door open. I'm glad that the lock is electric like most cars, because I forgot to tell him which car was mine. Oops.

And after a few minutes of waiting, I heard the entrance doors open again and I turned to see who it was, and it was Gaara, but he walked right past me and up to the vending area and bought a water bottle and also a pack of doughnuts before heading back over and sat down next to me. I could only blink up at him when he held out the doughnuts.

"You need to eat before you take Aleve." He said, and of course I knew that … but I was going to ignore it this once … again.

"But-" I started saying before I was cut off.

"Please?" He said, and I sighed before taking the doughnuts and ate them one at a time, a few bites each. Purposefully taking my time with them just to make him happy.

After I was done, he took the trash and handed me two Aleve and the bottle of water, already opened.

"How long have we been out of class?" I asked after I tossed the pills into my mouth and swallowed them down with the whole water bottle.

"About ten minutes at most." He shrugged.

"Then we need to go back." I sighed and slowly stood up. Hell, I feel better than I did a few minutes ago. I guess I just needed to eat and get some water in me.

"You sure you're going to be okay?" Gaara asked, and I nodded before the two of us went back to class after he threw the trash away.

When classes were finally over, I waited in my car for Sakura. She had another half hour before she was let out and I was going to use this time to get to work on my next writing assignment from Kurenai-sensei and get it started.

She now wants us to write what our suicide notes would be if we ever decided that we wanted to perish from this world … Fucking hell. It's like she's wanting to keep an eye on me and make sure I'm not trying to kill myself or something. But, either way, I have an idea for the assignment so I'm going to use this as an opportunity to get some practice in, and sadly, she wants it no less than 500 words and 1000 words for some reason.

By the time I'm done hand writing my assignment, the drivers' door suddenly flies open and Sakura plops into the seat next to me so fast I almost rip my assignment apart while I'm trying to put it away. She'll want answers, and she won't leave me alone until she gets them if she read a single word of it.

"How was your day Sakura?" I asked quickly, probably too quick for my own good.

"It was boring, but I'm ready to go take a nap to be honest." She sighed heavily as I handed her my keys and we drove back to my apartment. I honestly hope she'd leave to go back to hers across the complex where I lived, but I highly doubt it because she looks like she's tired.

"How was yours Naruto?" She asked, and I half wished she didn't.

"I flunked my art assignment. The bastard said it was nothing that he assigned in the first place when it was what everyone else fucking did. Kurenai-sensei has us writing depressing shit. Hell, during class she had us paired together and had us write a 500 word essay on how to know signs of others' self harming. And then for a homework assignment, she wants us to do a 500-1000 word letter of suicide." And I wished I stopped talking there.

"She did what?" Sakura almost yelled and slammed on the breaks in the middle of the road. Earning us honks from cars behind us that almost crashed because of the sudden stop.

"I know, but … you know Kurenai-sensei, she doesn't do this shit unless it's for a reason." I said, which was true. Kurenai-sensei did things like this if she wanted to know about others. It was just how she was.

"You're not kidding there." Sakura sighed heavily as she went back to driving and the whole ride was silent until she parked my car and we got out with her giving me my keys back.

"Mind if I take a nap here for a little bit?" Sakura asked a moment later when I reached back into the car to get my laptop bag.

"Sure." I said without thinking and mentally kicked myself as the two of us went up to my apartment after closing the car doors and locking it up.

I unlocked the apartment door and the two of us went inside and I went to my room to put my stuff away and Sakura camped out on my couch when she put her stuff by the door and took her shoes off.

After I made sure my laptop was safe, and the notebook wouldn't be found by putting it in my studio where I'll be locking myself in when I know she's asleep, I go back to my door and take my shoes off, leaving mine with hers before I throw myself into the arm chair, heaving a content sigh and close my eyes for a moment. The letter I wrote for my homework envisioned in my minds eye and I had to force my eyes open just to make it so I couldn't see or think about it anymore until tomorrow.

"Naruto, are you sure you're okay with that homework assignment Kurenai-sensei assigned your writing class?" Sakura asked after a few moments of silence, and here I thought she was asleep.

"I don't know … honestly." I shrugged, then got up and went to the coat closet where I kept spare blankets and pulled hers -a hot pink plush blanket- and covered her with it. "I'm gonna go take a nap, wake me when you get up okay?"

"Sure." She smiled.

"And to be honest, it's supposed to be from the eyes of one of the main characters we created for our last project." I told her, and she seemed to relax there. And what I told her was the truth, but since mine wasn't like what she assigned, it was my own death wish. I hope no one notices either. Last thing I need is someone to stop me.

"Alright, good night Naruto." Sakura smiled and she fell asleep before I could say the same back.

I smiled lightly before placing a kiss on her forehead and went to my paint studio and got to work on yet another depressing piece, but this time, it was of the Hokage mountain, and on the top of the painting, was the words of good bye.

**xxxxxxx**

When morning came, and once again it was another night of no sleep, Sakura had ended up sleeping here for the night and hasn't woken up unless she went to the bathroom. Usually, she would have gone home, but I guess she's worried about me, that's the only excuse she could have if I were to ask.

But I'm already long gone from the apartment, and she doesn't have class for another three hours, so I know she's going to sleep in and that will give me plenty of time to get my Writing class done. I dropped out of my art this morning, which is one of the reasons why I left early. I wasn't going to have the art teacher complain about my art work when it was what the assignment was and fail me for no reason. I even told the counselor this, and she wasn't happy about it at all.

So, right now, I'm sitting in Kurenai-sensei's class and it's almost over. Gaara is sitting with me again today for some reason. I guess he's also worried about me after what happened yesterday during class. But I'm not letting it bother me.

I turned my assignment in, and made sure it would be last to see like yesterday, and today we got our short story assignments back and mine was graded a perfect save for some grammatical errors, but on the side note, she said it was an excellent but sat story and to keep up the good work.

God, I hope this means she didn't understand what the hell I was talking about.

"Alright class, you can leave for the day." Kurenai-sensei said after fifteen more minutes of silence and I, of course, was the last one out as I usually am besides Gaara who was taking his time today for some reason. But I didn't stay behind to see anything because I went straight to my car and drove off towards the Hokage mountain.

When I got to Hokage Mountain, it was deserted, usually around this time of year, there were tourists taking pictures. But I guess the wind today is too much for everyone. It did leave you chilled to the bone, so I don't blame them for not being here today. And it's good, no witnesses to stop me.

I sighed when I parked the car and pulled my notebook out of my bag. Another note for other people to read … I guess it wouldn't hurt, right?

_To whomever reads this,_

_I want you to tell my father, that he isn't to blame. I know, he blames himself a lot about what happened, but it's not his fault. It's all mine, I let him into my life and thought that he could change after his own family died by his brothers' hand. But it's my fault that he left, because he was right, I held him back from getting revenge on his brother._

_ Sasuke left, and I had no right to try and bring him back, he had every right to try and kill me that night before he left thinking I died or I hope so._

_ I also know it's my fault that mother died when she gave birth to me. Because, it's obvious, if I wasn't born, she would be here making my father happy._

_ If I wasn't born, my father wouldn't have had to quit being mayor of Konoha when Sasuke attempted to kill me._

_ If I wasn't born, no one would be hurt._

_ So, whomever reads this, tell my father to be happy … that's all I ever wanted._

_Signed; Uzumaki, Naruto_

I sighed when I was done and got out of the car with the long rope I brought with me and I let the note hang out a bit as I closed the door on it. I left the keys in the seat of the car with my cell phone. I won't need it where I'm going …

Looking up at the mountain again, I head off towards the trail that leads to the top and I make the long climb up. And I only pray to God that Sakura isn't up yet or that Kurenai-sensei hasn't read the letter for our assignment yet.

When I get to the top, it should be about half an hour since I got here, and Sakura should be in class now, father should be at work, Gaara should be in his psychology class if he has it today and I'm here, where I'm supposed to be; tying one end of the rope around a tree that's closest to the edge and I make sure it's taught before I make a noose with the other end.

I only know how to make a noose because my father taught me once when we went camping when I was a little boy. Middle school I think it was, during summer vacation before Sasuke tried to kill me …

Anyway, as I'm finishing up my noose and I got it around my neck, I hear rushing footsteps coming towards me and stopping a couple yards away from me from behind. I sighed heavily and turned to see that Dad is standing there with Sakura, Kurenai-sensei, Gaara , someone from the police force that I remember to be Ibiki, the same guy who had questioned me when Sasuke did what he did, and a blonde woman I've never seen before. I wonder who she is.

I didn't want to see him again, but I guess it couldn't be helped.

"Naruto, could you step away from the ledge, please?" Dad asked, and he looked like he was trying his damnedest to keep the tears from falling, but it wasn't working.

"You know why I can't …" I told him in a low voice, now fully facing the group that came to try and talk me out of this.

"Then please, tell me how I can help you." He begged, and my father never begs in his life.

"No one can help me … I've tried." I said, and that's when the blonde woman spoke up.

"I bet I can." The woman said. "My name is Tsunade, I'm not only a medical doctor, but I'm also a psychiatrist."

"I don't need a damn psychiatrist." I snapped. "I've had plenty of them tell me everything you'd tell me, I'm not stupid!"

"Naruto, she's my nursing teacher." Sakura said, and that's when I turned to glare at her.

"And you, you know exactly what I've been through, yet you bring all these people here to try and stop me!" I yelled. "You of all people, know how much pain I'm in, what pain I've been in since Sasuke left leaving me for fucking dead! Not only did he succeed in making my life miserable, he also made sure he took a part of me with him that I'll never have back!"

"You're not the only one he's hurt damn it! I tried to stop him from leaving me too you know!" Sakura bellowed at me with her own furry and tears, but I only kept glaring.

"He didn't try to kill you!" I yelled, now this time taking a step back to make them all shut up. I knew, personally, that I was only at least a yard away from the ledge. "I've put my father through enough pain as it is. Not only did I take away his life, but I took away the love of his life, his own wife! He's been alone all because of me."

"It wasn't your fault Naruto!" My father said, and by now he was choking on his words.

"Now I can see why Sasuke tried to kill me before he left …" I mumbled, though to myself out loud, but I knew they heard it as well. "He tried to kill me because he knew I'd suffer like this!" I added with a yell as I pulled at my hair hard enough to pull some strands out.

"Sasuke's a selfish jackass who cared about no one but himself and his revenge Naruto!" Sakura yelled angrily.

"How would you fucking feel if you had a brother you cared so much about take everything else you care about and tried to kill you too but then decided to leave you alive just for the sake of games?" I yelled back at her and took another step back, though it wasn't as big as I'd like it to be, because the ledge was slightly closer than I thought it was.

"Now please, everyone, calm down." Tsunade said with her hands raised, and that got everyone on their end to shut up at least. "Naruto, please tell me what's been ailing you these last few years, besides Sasuke."

"I can't sleep, I can't eat, I get panic attacks every other day sometimes more than once a day if I'm alone, and I can't do anything without thinking about that bastard!" I yelled at her. "And Kurenai-sensei hasn't helped at all with that department! Stupid fucking writing assignment, I thought it would help me talk about what happened in that damn short story! But no, it just made me worse!"

"Naruto, you know I never meant for something like this to happen, you know that." Kurenai-sensei said, finally.

"I'm not blaming you, I'm blaming the stupid assignment, and my stupid ass life that should have never happened." I told her, looking down at the ground before turning my back to them to look at the scene of Konoha … the sun being high in the sky showing that it was around noon already … I wonder if anyone was going to eat lunch at the base of the mountain like I know some people would do.

"Naruto, we can help you, please, let us. We can help you forget about him and what he's done." Dad said, but I know he was just trying to help. I am all he's got left since his own family died in war. He was the last of his clan, besides me who inherited his blood line.

"Can you really help me?" I asked, and was about to turn around until I felt someone grab me from behind, their arms wrapping around mine and dragged me away from the edge.

"Who the fucking hell do you think you are!?" I yelled, kicking and screaming as another pair of arms grabbed the rope and took it off of me. "Let go of me!"

"I'm sorry." Was all I heard from a low toned voice that I recognized as Gaara before I felt something prick my arm and everything around me started to become numb and my pleas of anger for him to let me go turned into sobs of failure before everything around me went black.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note; Here's the last installment! I'm sorry I'm so late, my computer wasn't working and the first time I was loading this up it died and then I rewrote the ending to this so it wasn't so tragic :( I hope everyone likes it and to let everyone know, I did not include his short story. I have a dream in here that's close to what he wrote about.

I hope everyone enjoys this piece, it is my first short story in forever and I'm actually thinking about making a one shot novel out of this in the future -not near future- if I can get some other stuff finished :)

**xxxxxxx**

_To whom this may concern,_

_I've once dreamed of living somewhere else, being with someone that actually cared about me. Loved me for who I was and wouldn't question me on my mood swings that I sometimes have. Someone that would be with me forever and wouldn't use me as something to get back at someone else for how they were treated._

_ Yes, I've seen myself in this position, but once I realized that I'm never going to be anywhere but there, I've given up on the dream and focused on everything else around me that I should care about; my work and myself. Sure, there's some people I can talk to, but I don't really talk to them as much as I had promised._

_ I can find myself in my studio every night work on a new project, all of them as depressing as I feel. But I know that deep inside, I'm actually wishing that I could just end it all, my suffering, my existence. I just didn't want to be around anymore, that's why I keep painting death all around me, I guess._

_ Of course, I have a father that cares, but I don't talk to him anymore because I simply don't talk to him anymore and I ignore all his attempts to talk to me. Hell, I've even ignored him when he's stopped by on occasion to visit by simply hiding myself away in my studio and painting away with the door closed. There were no windows in that room, so it was easy to hide there. But in reality, I had wished that my father would just break down the door and barge in to yell at me for ignoring him for almost a whole year almost two._

_ To put my life simple; it was a living hell, and I was the one making it that way. Everyone else would say so. I know you would._

_ Just the other day, _he_ came to mind, and he hasn't left since so all I've been able to focus on is him. Hell, he's in my homework! But anyway, there are questions I want to ask everyone._

_ What does it mean to forgive and forget? I don't remember what you're supposed to do, supposed to feel when you do that._

_ What does it mean to move on? I've never been able to do this in my whole life._

_ What does it mean to love yourself? I have forgotten because that part of my heart has been shattered for years._

_ What does it mean to be happy? I don't know what happiness is anymore._

_ Should I stay living? That's my biggest question, because I don't know anymore._

_ You can say that I'm just doing this for some sort of attention, but you can think that all you want. I just want my whole life before now to be a fleeting memory that can't be remembered. I do remember, once, that I wished I could be hit with a car and all my memories suddenly disappeared. What would life be like if I didn't have these memories? Probably much better, I suppose._

_ But lets stop talking about me, what would everyone else feel like if I suddenly disappeared from here? Unable to return unless I'm just a memory wished to be forgotten. Yea, what would it be like to be forgotten? I'll leave it all for you to answer, but don't tell me, because I won't be able to listen to you by the time you're done … My dreams have come to an end, all because I'm alone and always will be._

_Signed … Uzumaki, Naruto_

Kakashi read my suicide note for the hundredth -possibly more- time as he sat at his desk in the psyche ward of the hospital. Ever since Sasuke tried to kill me, I know he's given up as a teacher and went straight into this line of work, but I didn't think he'd be my assigned therapist after my fucking failure. God, it's like the world is out to fucking get me, remind me of everything I've ever failed at in life … What did I do in a past life to deserve this? Because frankly, this is my seventh time in his office and he has yet to get me to talk to him.

Kakashi only sighed before he put the letter I wrote down and stared at me with his only good eye, his left eye being because of an accident in his youth that he has yet to even tell me about. So much about trust huh?

"Naruto … why wouldn't you let us help you all these years?" Was the only thing Kakashi asked and I glared at him.

"Because, this is my burden, my problem and no one else should be burdened with it." I finally told him just to shut him up. "It's all my fault anyway."

"It's not your fault, Naruto …" Kakashi sighed heavily before leaning back in his chair. "I should be the one blamed for this entire incident even happening."

"What are you saying?" I glared.

"I … had a conversation with him explaining that revenge is something that shouldn't be pursued because it destroys you from the inside out … but from what's happened, it had little effect and I've been wondering if it's what fueled his desire to leave and kill his brother in the first place." Kakashi said, and I blinked at him.

"So … the only reason he had it in his mind at all was because of you?" I asked.

"No, his brother came back to town and Sasuke ran into him. Itachi left before anyone could get their hands on him and Sasuke went ballistic on his brother and it didn't help him much when Itachi played with his mind like the first time." Kakashi said. "And to tell you the truth, Naruto, Sasuke has no clue of the reasons why Itachi did what he did."

"What do you mean? Itachi had reasons? He's a fucking psycho path that's why." I huffed.

"No, and before I tell you, I want your word you'll never tell a living soul outside this room." He said, and I nodded for some reason. I guess I'm curious as to what made Itachi snap, because then it'd help me understand why Sasuke snapped too. "Alright … the Uchiha is a family that suffers every other generation from paranoid schizophrenia. It was very unfortunate that Itachi, and most likely Sasuke, suffer from the same thing. I'm guessing the demanding life style of Fugaku, their father, made Itachi snap and I think what Itachi did made Sasuke snap when he came back."

"So … the Uchiha family is a cursed family after all." I laughed lightly before I sank in my chair a little bit.

But after a moment, I stood up and left the room, not giving Kakashi time to ask me what I'm talking about and I'm escorted back to my room … since I've only been here for a week -two weeks since I was comatose for a week after I was sedated- and I was high on the list of suicide watch so, I basically have two people watching over me twenty-four seven.

When I get to the room I'm staying in, I throw myself on the bed and I pull the journal I'm allowed to have and I write down what I've learned about Sasuke and his brother, and throw my two cents into the equation with; _apparently, with me being around Sasuke … has helped him snap just as much as his brother being near him has made him snap. I'm nothing but a failure so I will continue to wonder why Sasuke hadn't finished his job in killing me that day. Guess I'll never know because he'll never come back._

_**xxxxxxx**_

_**I couldn't believe it, Sasuke got recommended for and got accepted at Konoha University before he even got into high school, but I guess that's expected, he is an Uchiha after all and Uchiha's are extremely smart. Sometimes I think they're too smart for their own good.**_

_** I had decorated out shared apartment with a congratulation sign over the walk way to the kitchen and I made it so this evening was just going to be me … since Sasuke hated large crowds anyway, and I didn't want to piss him off. Hell, I even made his favorite dish even though I hate the smell of tomatoes.**_

_** Now, all that was left was for the teme to get here and we can start celebrating.**_

_** And when I heard the front door to our apartment open, I hid behind the counter that divided the living room from the kitchen and silenced a snicker that managed to escape my lips and I waited for him to be like … 'why the fuck is it so dark in here' and turn the lights off. But … something was way off, especially when Sasuke was muttering to himself or on the phone angrily.**_

_** "I know he said that bullshit damn it." Sasuke muttered in a hiss. "But he's my best friend! I can't do that! Yamete!" He added with the loudest yell I've ever heard him make by the end of his somewhat silent rant, and this is where I felt like I should make my presence known so that maybe I could help him.**_

_** "Hey, Sasuke, is everything okay?" I ask as I turn on the kitchen light, then the living room light as I walk into the same room as him.**_

_** And when I got a full picture of him once the lights were on, Sasuke's hair was disheveled and sticking up in all sorts of directions from grabbing and pulling, he looked like he had seen a ghost and his eyes were so dilated that I thought someone drugged him on his way home.**_

_** I wasn't mentally prepared for what happened next … when Sasuke threw himself on me and I collided and fell into the glass coffee table. The surface shattering and cutting into my back, sides and shoulders as he grabbed a hand full of my hair and proceeded to slam my head into the coffee table's frame a couple times before I felt the tip of a piece of glass graze pretty deep in the left side of my face.**_

_** I was too dazed as it was to tell him to stop, but I somehow found the strength to get him off of me when the cut on my face brought me back to my senses and I managed somehow to kick Sasuke off of me and into the television behind him. I think it shattered too.**_

_** "Damn you!" Sasuke yelled and was up on his feet before I could gather myself up to get out of the coffee table frame, and it was like he knew what I was trying to do because he grabbed my hair and used it to pull me out of the frame and dragged me into the kitchen where he threw me onto the floor.**_

_** I grunted when I landed, wincing slightly when the glass in my back went deeper into my skin, but I couldn't get myself to move anymore. I think I took a lot of damage to my head.**_

_** "You know … Naruto, they said I had to kill you, just like Itachi said I had to kill you." Sasuke said, but I'm not sure if I heard him right, my ears were ringing a bit.**_

_** "Itachi told me … that in order to kill him I needed to kill my best friend." Sasuke said, and that's when I started panicking. I knew Sasuke would stop at nothing to kill his brother, but that'd mean he'd stop at nothing to kill me. And with the way his state of mind was at the moment, he will kill me.**_

_** I forced myself to roll onto my stomach and honestly, that hurt like fucking hell, and I tried to crawl out of the kitchen since I was too dizzy to get myself standing, but I didn't get far before a foot slammed into the middle of my back where a piece of glass was close by, and it made me scream out in so much pain that I saw white for a few seconds.**_

_** "I can't kill the fucker that killed my parents if I don't kill you!" Sasuke screamed before I felt him sit on me and then the tip of a knife on my right shoulder blade made me stop moving all together.**_

_** "Sasuke, please, this is just part of his mind games and you know it." I pleaded, hoping it'd work, but I think it just pissed him off even more.**_

_** Honestly, I thought Sasuke was going to yell at me to shut up, stab me, but I felt something hard hit the back of my head and the next thing I knew everything around me was going black and Sasuke's feet leaving my vision quickly, no words would stop him from leaving either.**_

I snapped my eyes open and shot up so fast in bed that it made my head spin. Damn my head hurt. Hell, it hurt enough for tears to fall from my eyes and that's when I realize that I'm drenched in sweat and breathing heavily.

Another nightmare … I had that same nightmare again! Fucking hell, it had been about two weeks plus another two weeks since I had that same nightmare that caused all this trouble … but something was off. I know I don't remember that nightmare being so vivid before.

I guess it's because I finally remembered how disorganized and messed up Sasuke was when he attacked me. God, my head hurts.

"Is everything okay Naruto?" One of my watch owls asked when they finally realized I was up and in pain. Some watch owls they are.

"No, my head feels like someone is prying my skull open. I'm not fine!" I hissed at the nurse and the door opened to reveal someone in a doctor's coat … then I realized it was Tsunade.

"Here, take these Naruto." She said, handing me a pair of pills and a bottle of water, which I took before asking anything because I wanted the pain to go away. "They're prescription migraine medicine. They'll make you drowsy for a little bit, but your pain should go away within the half hour or so."

"Whatever, I mumbled and slowly laid back down, then rolled onto my side so my back was to everyone and felt an ice pack being placed on my head before footsteps left my room. I hated hospitals.

**xxxxxxx**

I had to stay in this stupid hospital over a month before anyone deemed me mentally fit to leave … and what's worse, my apartment was sold off and I have to move back in with my father. Once again, I'm not happy at fucking all. As a matter of fact, I'm now a very pissed off individual that just wants to be left alone.

Kakashi hasn't made anything better, actually, he's made me hate almost everyone even. Some therapist he's become.

Right now, I'm waiting for my father to come and pick me up and Kakashi's waiting with me in the lounge area, and I'm glad that for once he's quietly reading his porn novel. This gives me time to clear my head and maybe take a nap since it'll probably be another half hour before Dad comes to get me.

With this set in mind, I lay down on my side on the bench I'm sitting on and use the pillow my father brought me a couple weeks ago since the hospital pillows weren't helping me relax and actually made my headaches worse, and close my eyes for a few moments. But honestly, not only is my new headache medicine making me drowsy all the time, but my new anti-depressant medication is making me drowsy as well.

"Everything okay Naruto?" Kakashi asks when I'm finally comfortable enough for the light throbbing to stop in my head for now.

"Just a headache." I grumbled just as I heard the automatic doors to the entrance open, and here I thought they were going to walk by because odds are that it's my father is slim to none, but when they stopped near me, I had to open my eyes and look up at my father … an almost exact replica of me, well, me of him. God, I thought I could lay down a little longer.

"You ready to go home?" My Dad asked, and I glared at him.

"You sold my home, remember?" I scoffed before slowly sitting up and grabbed my stuff as I stood and walked out. I know he parked near the door way, so when I saw the running car, I threw my stuff into the back seat and climbed into the front. I wonder where my car is right now…

It takes my father a few minutes to come out, probably because he's talking to Kakashi, but I couldn't care less, this gives me time to get comfortable in my seat and close my eyes for a few moments before I hear the car door open next to me on my left and close.

"Kakashi told me you haven't ate lunch yet, would you like to stop at Ichiraku to get some ramen before going home?" Dad asked, and the old me would have jumped happily at the thought of eating ramen, but right now, I wasn't in the mood to eat. But, I need him thinking I'm better so I nod without opening my eyes.

I think he smiles, because he thinks it's the old me … but once the car gets moving, it's just bringing me closer to going to his house so I can just lock myself in my old bedroom and never leave again. No, I can't do that, it would completely show that I'm not better. Fuck, now I'm wishing I thought this through more.

It takes us a little over ten minutes to get to Ichiraku Ramen and I have to get up out of my comfort to go and get something to eat, though the smell coming from the place was making my stomach grumble for food, damn traitor.

"Someone's hungry." Dad chuckled and the two of us got out of the car, I glared at him as we walked into the restaurant that I remember being nothing but a booth big enough to feed a few people at a time. They really grew in the last few years.

"Oh, Minato, Naruto! Come sit at the bar and we'll get right to you." Ayame, Teuchi's -the owners- daughter smiled happily from the kitchen that you could see easily from the bar and waved over to us. Dad, on the other hand, dragged me to the bar and I had no choice but to sit there at the bar with him.

"I'll have my usual miso ramen." Dad said with a smile before looking at me.

"I'll just have whatever, I don't care." I mumbled, but was said loud enough for Ayame to hear me, and she sounded happy and surprised that I'm letting her surprise me today.

And by luck, I'm greeted with a bowl of steaming hot barbeque pork miso ramen a moment or so after Dad gets his bowl, and by sheer luck, we both eat in silence and I'm actually enjoying myself for the first time in a long while.

When Dad and I get home, he helps me unpack back into my old room that is furnished with a bigger bed than what I used to have and the clothes were already put away. I guess Dad must have done that while I was at the hospital, no other explanation I could come up with for that one. But, my computer and other personal affections were here also.

Dad even said he had a surprise for me when we got here. I guess he's saving it until I'm unpacked, which didn't take long to do either. I now only had my art supplies to unpack and he picked those up for me and told me to follow him to the spare bedroom we had down the hall.

I had to open the door for him, but when I opened it, it was an exact replica -save for a window- of my old art studio in my apartment. I, for once, was at a loss for words as I turned to look at my father, my mouth gaping like a fish out of water.

"I know you loved your art studio in your apartment, so I had this one modeled to look like the one at the apartment … and kept the window in case you wanted one now." Dad said as he walked in before me and put my art stuff on the table that I used in my apartment for storage and organization.

"May I have drapes put over the window?" I asked, still not used to the idea of having a window in my private studio. That's what I loved about the one in my apartment … no one could look in while I was working.

"We can go shopping for that tomorrow." Dad nodded. "I'll leave you to organize your art stuff, if that's alright with you. I know you like to organize your things yourself so you know where everything is."

"Thanks Dad." I said, for the first time in ages. "And is there a lock on the handle? I like locking myself in my studio when I'm working so no one sees my work before it's finished …" I added, hoping, if not, that I'll get one.

"No, but we'll get one tomorrow." Dad nodded, the smile he had on a moment ago, vanished at the mention of a lock. But I can tell he's trying to trust me a little bit.

"Alright." I nodded. "Hey, you don't mind if I go out for a little bit do you?"

"Just try to come back before dinner okay?" Dad nodded.

"Alright." I smirked inwardly. "I'll say hi to Sakura for you."

And I was gone with his car keys, saying that he had my car being fixed because the brakes were going bad and needed new tires. So that's why I hadn't seen my car when we got here.

But anyway, the first place I go to is the gas station down the street a ways from where my father lives and picked up two packs each of Camel Wides and Filters and a new lighter. I needed a new smoke more than anything else and the cravings I was going through at the hospital were like torture. I smoke a Wides on the way to Sakura's apartment. At this moment, I'm wishing I had a cell phone to let her know I'm on my way, but it's good to surprise her a bit. But I am praying that she's not at work or anything.

Hell, she might know I'm out already, she does work in the hospital for crying out loud. Tsunade's a loud mouth about a lot of things too. Probably yelling at Kakashi for letting me leave after just a month, mostly because she wants to know that I'm perfectly alright with the way things are for me. But I could care less, honestly, and I think she knew that I didn't from the last time I saw her a week before I was released.

When I finally get to Sakura's apartment, she's home, and when she opens the door, she's silent … until she's jumping with so much joy that I think my ears bled with her scream. And she pulled me into her apartment so hard it felt like my shoulder dislocated. I know she's excited that I'm home and finally out of the hospital, but fucking damn.

"So, did you just get out?" She asked me after she finally calmed down and made us some tea. I'm grateful that she's making something to drink, my throat's dry.

"No, a few hours ago." I told her. "Dad took me to Ichiraku and we got something to eat, then we got to his house where I'm staying and he helped me finish unpacking."

"That's good. Oh, you going to go back to college in the next term?" She asked. "I was hoping to have a carpool buddy."

"I don't know … I'd like to have a break for a while from all of that." I shrugged, sipping at my tea. She knows me too well … she even put the right amount of sugar in my tea.

"It's understandable." She nodded, making me smile a bit that she agreed with me.

"Did you know … that from that head injury Sasuke gave me back then is more serious than the original doctor said it was?" I asked her, just because I'm curious as to know what she knows about it.

"Really?" She said, and she sounded surprised.

"Yea, Tsunade said that the head injury never really healed and all these years I've been slowly bleeding still. I can't get my head hit again or I'll bleed to death." I told her.

"So that's why you still get those horrible headaches?" She asked.

"Yea." I nodded, sipping at my tea again, then I got an idea. "You want to go to my house for dinner tonight? You know how my father always cooks too much for his own good."

"I would love to, but I have to work in two hours." She said sadly.

"Tsunade's your boss right?"

"Yea?"

"Tell her you're spending time with me when you go in an hour late." I smirked.

"I can't, all this work I do at the hospital counts as homework." She said, though there was a smile on her face.

"Oh, alright." I sighed in defeat. "I should get going anyway. I have stuff I need to get done before I go home. I want to visit Mom for a while."

"Alright, hey, you want me to come along for a little bit?" Sakura asked as I finished my tea.

"No … I want to do this alone." I mumbled. "Oh, Dad said hi."

"Tell him I said it right back." Sakura smiled. I guess she didn't hear what I said a moment ago, either that or she's pretending not to.

"Will do, see you tomorrow Sakura." I smiled as I put my tea cup down and waved her off as I left her apartment. I was going to take my time getting to the cemetery … just like I'm going to take my time visiting Mom.

**xxxxxxx**

I've been home for just about two months … and my feelings for dying haven't changed for some reason. I've been seeing this guy called Ibiki, who's my new therapist that works with Kakashi sometimes.

Kakashi said he's a great therapist, better than him even. I would believe it, but being his patient for a month and nothing changing says he's not as great as he says he is.

Both him and Kakashi know that something's wrong, and they've thought it was the medicine so I've been through two different anti-depressants since I've left the hospital. Both of them worked for a little while, but this feeling of uselessness always came back ten fold when the medicine worn out after a few weeks.

Something's definitely wrong with me. I should be happy living with my father again, still talking to Sakura, and hell, even Kiba and his dog, Akamaru, moved back from Suna along with Hinata whom he married. Neji came along with his cousin and is moving back too. Gaara even visits me a lot more since I left the hospital. But no one's making me happy. Yes, they think I'm happy, but I'm the master of the mask and have been for years.

I guess this last week and a half, I'm just tired of that mask, because I've locked myself in my art studio and boarded up the window so no light from outside can come in and I painted picture after picture of Sasuke … Sasuke … Sasuke … even skipping two of my appointments because I refuse to leave my studio.

I can't stop thinking about him. It's like he's made a permanent place in my heart and my memory, and it's pissing me off.

I want to forget about him, but it's like my body won't let me.

"Naruto, you need to leave your studio and get something to eat." I hear my Dad out in the hallway say, and he sounds just as depressed as I feel.

I don't mean to make him sad like this, but I just can't get myself to eat right now.

"I will later …" I tell him after inhaling through another Camel Wides. My studio smells bad … I need air circulation in here.

"Can you come out just this once, please? Kakashi's here and wants to talk to you while you eat." Dad said, and it looks like he won't give up this time … damn Kakashi.

"I'll be out in a few minutes." I growled angrily and dropped the butt of the cigarette I just finished, stomping on it as I put it out and leaned the fifteenth painting of the bastard against the wall to dry so later tonight I'll take them all outside and burn them in the back yard. Yea, that sounds like a great idea. It's supposed to be cold too, but I don't care.

After a few minutes, I leave my studio and close the door behind me with the door locked. I told Dad that I don't want anyone in my studio when I'm not in there, so he's permitted me to have the only key to that room.

When I get to the living room that's before the kitchen/dining area, I see Kakashi sitting on the couch talking to Dad in hushed tones so I can't understand what either of them are saying, but I do know, that when both of them take one look at me, they both cringe. The fuck?

"What's your problem?" I growled and stalked past them and into the kitchen where Dad leaves my food and start eating it so I can go back to solitude.

"You look like you haven't showered in days, and you smell like body odor, paint and smoke." Dad said … shit. "Do you smoke Naruto?"

"And what if I do?" I snapped at him in between bites.

"And you smoked in my house?" Dad said as he shot up to his feet, the look of anger on his face made me take a step back.

"Minato, sit down and let me talk to him okay?" Kakashi said as he stood up just before Dad could comment more on my self destruction even more.

Dad only huffed as he crossed his arms and sat back down, Kakashi, on the other hand, went down the hall and I could just hear him try to get into my studio.

Fucking hell no he isn't trying to pick my lock!

I hurry and throw the bowl onto the counter and take off down the hall to see he's successfully picked my lock and is walking into my studio. Now, I'm beyond pissed off and by the time I'm in my studio, he's turned the light on and is looking at all my work from the past week and a half.

"Get the fuck out of my studio!" I yelled at him, grabbing his arm and forced him to turn around to look at me while I, with my other hand, grabbed his hair and pulled him down to my level. I don't care if he cried out in pain. "No one, is allowed in here unless I say they can be in here."

"Naruto! Let him go!" I hear Dad yelling behind me, but it's distant as I throw Kakashi out of my studio and I lock myself back in my sanctuary.

"And stay out!" I scream at the top of my lungs and use the stool I sometimes sit on and jam it under the door handle to make sure they can't get in without breaking the door down. So much for me having my personal space not invaded.

Anyway, for the rest of the week, until the weekend, everyone leaves me alone. I've broken my cell phone the night Kakashi pulled his stunt. I refused to leave my room unless I knew Dad was at work or in bed so I could eat and use the bathroom. I've taken my shower already for today and scrubbed myself well since this was the first shower I had in two weeks. My hair was just horrible … I swear, if I had waited any longer to take a shower, I would have had to chop my hair off.

But today, Sakura came over and broke my studio door down. I guess Dad called her over and told her what happened … and right now, she was yelling at me for doing what I did to Kakashi and locking myself away.

"And breaking your cell phone was the worst thing you could have done! I've been trying to get a hold of you for days!" She yells, I'm just sitting on the floor, back against the wall and smoking my third cigarette since she got here to try and calm my nerves down.

"Does it look like I care anymore!?" I yelled when she finally stopped to catch her breath. "It's called wanting to be alone!"

"And look where it's gotten you! You smell horrible and how many times have I told you not to smoke near me?" She said, ripping the cigarette from my hand and stomped on it on my floor. Now I was livid.

"Get the fuck out! And don't ever fucking come back!" I yell at her before standing up and grabbing as many paintings as I can of the bastard I've done in these two weeks and head past her to the back yard where the pit is. Finally, she's shut up long enough for the silence to break through.

"I'll be back in half a fucking hour you jackass!" Sakura yelled at me after a moment and I could hear the front door slam shut so hard I heard it all the way in the back yard where I was dousing my paintings with lighter fluid.

"I don't care." I huffed, taking an piece of paper that I wadded up earlier and lit it with my lighter and tossed it on the doused paintings and I watched them all burn while I lit up another cigarette. Where my father was at the moment, I have no fucking clue. He usually didn't work on the weekend. But I'm glad I don't have him here to yell at me for what I did to Sakura.

And true to her word, Sakura came back … and she wasn't alone. She brought Neji, Gaara, Hinata and Kiba with her and I wanted to do nothing but burn her alive. Yes, I was pissed. She needs to get it through her fucking thick head that I want to be left alone.

"I thought I told you not to come back!" I yelled at her, me throwing another painting on the fire and I still had about fifty more of them to fucking burn. Damn fucking bastard.

"Like I'll ever listen to you when you're this pissed off. Yea, I know Kakashi picked the lock to your studio and went in without your permission, but you had no right to throw him into the hallway and give him a concussion like you did!" Sakura yelled. So she knew only because Dad took him to the hospital, great.

"Then he shouldn't have done what he did." I hissed, picking up the sake bottle that I had sitting on the picnic table we had and took a sip from it. I had been drinking this for the last fifteen minutes, and I had two more waiting for me to drink. Yes, I know my medicine doesn't suggest I drink alcohol, but I don't care.

"Wait, you're drinking alcohol!" Kiba yelled, and that's when all hell broke loose and Sakura took every last bit of alcohol that was in the house and out here with me and dumped it down the drain in the kitchen. And it took Hinata, Neji, Kiba and Gaara to hold me back while she did this.

"I can't fucking believe you!" I screamed at the top of my lungs just as the front door opened and my father finally came home.

"What the hell is going on in here?" He yelled over me so he could be heard, and before I could speak, Sakura spoke.

"I just dumped every last bit of liquor you had in this house down the damn drain because this asshole being held back by his friends was drinking in the back yard burning his paintings!" She said, and my father paled a little bit.

"I didn't know we had alcohol in this house …" He said, then looked at me. "Did you get alcohol when you got more cigarettes?"

"Of course I did moron." I spat and threw the four people holding me back. "And so what of it! Now leave me alone while I burn that bastard in the damn back yard!" And I stormed out of the house back to the back yard and sat in the lawn chair after throwing another painting on the fire. I refuse to let it go down, not when I can still see his face as clear as day before me when I look up at the darkened sky. I don't remember when the sun set, I guess I wasn't paying attention enough.

Oh well, at least everyone's left me alone, and before long, I hear car doors open and close and a car drive away before I heard the back door slide open and closed once again. Great, now a lecture from him.

"What do you want?" I ask, none too politely either.

"Just wondering what you'd like for dinner." Dad said, and he sounds like he's given up on me.

"I'm not hungry." I tell him, and with that, he goes back inside and turns the back light on for me. I know he'll make me something to eat like always. But I'm mentally hoping he doesn't, because I don't know if I can stomach it tonight.

**xxxxxxx**

Sunday, I always hated Sunday. It means it's the start of a new week and tomorrow would be Monday, the most hated day of the week because people go to work on Monday after wishing it never come back so they can have some more time off work to spend with their family. But today, Dad is out of the house faster than I get up around eight, and he's never out of the house before eight in the morning because he doesn't have to be at work until noon since he's second shift at the police station. Well, unless it's the weekend, and if that's the case, he sleeps in as long as he can.

Either way, I welcome the silence in the house after waking up to a nasty ass hangover and I stumble to the kitchen to drink five glasses of water before taking my morning medicine I've never failed to take. Yes, I pray every night I go to bed that this medicine works, but it's just losing its edge and I wish to toss it down the drain. But I have to have it if I have every chance of seeing a future with happiness.

The only true thing that's holding me back, is Sasuke … fucking bastard. He doesn't even have to be here to ruin my life. I hope he's rotting somewhere, and his brother.

But yet again, a part of me that's stronger wishes that he's getting help somewhere along with his brother. They both need help, and I hope Sasuke realized that before it was too late.

"Oh, you're up." I hear my father say as he walks in the front door and with someone else because I hear a second pair of foot steps. Sounds like he brought someone home with him.

"Yea, headache woke me up." I tell him, and when I turn to face him, I'm welcomed with a grey eye staring back at me and I do nothing but glare. "And why in the hell are you back?"

"I came here to apologize, it was wrong of me to do what I did and I'm truly sorry. I was under the impression that, that was your bedroom, not your studio." Kakashi said, and I buy it … he never says sorry unless he truly means it.

"That's why you ask before you poke your nose in other people's business." I tell him.

"Well, have you had a shower yet?" Kakashi asks, and I look at him with a raised eyebrow.

"What are you getting at?"

"I'm going to take you somewhere for a little bit. Don't worry, it's nothing, just visiting is all." Kakashi said, and I have a suspicious feeling that I'm going to be admitted into the psyche ward again at the hospital. Great, thanks a lot Sakura.

"I better not be getting readmitted." I tell him, and he shakes his head.

"I swear to you, you're not being admitted unless you want to. The first time was only because of you trying to take your life is all." He said, and I nod.

"I was about to get in after I took my medicine." I tell them, and Dad's walking into the kitchen to make something to eat. No wonder I didn't smell food when I woke up.

"I'll wait here for you, and we'll leave after breakfast." Kakashi says, and Dad isn't saying a word, but I nod and I go take my shower.

I take my time on purpose, mostly because I can't get this feeling I'm going to some hospital of some sorts and I'm never coming back out. That's all I've felt ever since I got out of the hospital after my failed attempt at suicide, but this is a little stronger than before. And I want to take my time to make sure I stay here as long as I can, just in case.

And when I get to the kitchen, Kakashi and Dad are talking about the good old days and they mention Obito, who used to work for Dad before killing himself after his wife, Rin, died in the line of duty, though she was only an Emergency Medic and was shot when she rushed into a building to save a bleeding hostage. This makes me wonder how Dad ever had the heart not to end himself after Mom died. I really wonder how he's held on this long.

"Oh, here's your food Naruto." Dad said with a small smile as I sat down next to Kakashi and slowly ate while they went back to their conversation and started eating. I guess they waited for me to come out so we could eat together.

"Remember that Rin and Obito ran into a burning building and came out with a couple? Turns out they were trying to kill each other and the house caught fire when one of them somehow dismantled the gas stove and one of them went to light a cigarette during a heated argument." Kakashi said with slight muse, how was that amusing? "They never argued after that and got married a couple weeks later after they were released from the hospital."

"Wow, I almost forgot about that one …" Dad said … How do you forget something like that?

"They've been married for ten years now and about to have their second child." Kakashi said, and even through the mask there was a small smile. I just wish Rin and Obito were here to congratulate them."

"Can we talk about something else?" I ask, and thankfully this works, though not in my favor.

"So, have you done anything else with your painting Naruto?" Kakashi asks.

"I burned everything I've worked on in the last two weeks." I told him without remorse as I ate a huge bite of eggs and sausage.

"Why would you burn them?" He asked, and he sounded very surprised.

"I didn't want to face that bastard in my studio anymore, and I thought it'd help me forget him." I said, the last part a little quiet because it didn't work. Nothing works.

"Oh …" Was all Kakashi said before we all went back to eating in silence until we were all done.

"Well, since today is my day off, I'm going to clean the dishes. You guys go do what you're gonna do and I'll rent a movie or two to watch when you come back." Dad said as he collected all the dirty dishes. God, what is everyone's problem today?

"Thanks Minato." Kakashi said as he stood up, and I followed, my hands in my pockets to make sure I had my smokes and lighter.

"Bye dad …" I said, and I honestly felt like it was the last time I'd say it.

"See you in a little bit Naruto." Dad smiled at me when he turned to wave a soap covered hand in our direction as Kakashi and I walked out. I dare not let my feelings of this trip be known or else I might regret it.

During the drive to wherever we're going, it's quiet. So quiet that I start fidgeting in my seat and wish that I could start smoking. But no, Kakashi said I'm not allowed to smoke in his car. Fucking dirt bag.

"We're here." Kakashi said just as I'm about to ask for the tenth time if I can smoke, and I look out the window … just to see a sign saying Konoha Mental Institute. I fucking knew it!

"You're admitting me here aren't you!" I yell, and it's more like a statement than a question. No wonder Dad didn't want to come along, he didn't want to face the fact that I brought myself down so low that I needed to be here.

"No, I already told you, we're here to visit someone." Kakashi said, a hand on my shoulder to calm me down but I can't because I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate.

"I don't know anyone that could possibly be here!" I yelled, pulling myself away from his hand, but he grabbed at both of my shoulders and shook me a little bit.

"You need to calm down Naruto, you know your father would never want you here in a million years. And, for once in my miserable life, I listened to him and started breathing through my nose and out my mouth with my eyes closed. And the only way that got me calmed at all was thinking about going home so I can paint again, and maybe write something again that's happy. Yea, happy.

"Good, now, before we go in, I have something to tell you." Kakashi said, and when I opened my eyes a moment later, I stared at him with a raised eyebrow.

"I work here full time, and at Konoha Hospital in the psyche ward part time." He said, and I stared dumbfounded at him for a few moments, gaping like a fish because whatever I wanted to say wouldn't come out.

After a minute of silence between the two of us, we went inside and I was surprised at how calm it was in here. There wasn't any screaming like I thought there would be, no arguing between patients and nurses or anything. It was really creepy, but at least it was calm.

Kakashi signed me in, since I'm a visitor and all, and he showed his pass that lets him come and go as he pleases since he works here, and the two of us are led into a locker room type of room where I'm told that I have to get rid of all appliances; cigarettes, lighter, cell phone that I don't have, chains if I had any, ear rings and all jewelry, I have to change my shoes into the permitted shoes allowed here so if I were to take my shoes off, a patient wouldn't take them and use the shoe strings for anything dangerous and, to be honest, the only thing I'm reluctant to give away is the necklace that Tsunade gave me while I stayed at the hospital, but I place it in my right shoe for safe keeping so it won't get broken in the locker and I put it all inside.

I let Kakashi lock it up since he's done already and the two of us are let inside. Watching my surroundings, Kakashi leads us into a side hallway that doesn't have many rooms, and he opens one of the doors. Inside, I find a table and a couple chairs surrounding it. I guess this is where family comes and safely visits patients here or something. And I'm looking all around the room and see that the walls are plain white as Kakashi and I walk in and I glare at how bland this place is. There needs to be happy colors here … bland makes people feel bland and sad. And they're supposed to be doctors.

"Naruto?" I hear a familiar voice say to my left, and I had half a mind to think it's Kakashi, but I know better, it's not him because he's behind me closing the door.

Gulping loudly, I turn to face a raven haired twenty-two year old that's got pale skin that's complemented by that same raven hair, almond shaped eyes that stare at me and they look saddened, exhausted but content and happy to see me for some odd and strange reason.

And I'm pissed off at the sight of him.

"So, this is where you've been for a while huh, Sasuke?" I growled at the man sitting down on the other side of the table.

"I guess … I guess you could say that." Sasuke said in a monotone voice. "Nine years, right Kakashi?"

"Yes, nine years." Kakashi said behind me in agreement.

Wait, that means …

"You've been here ever since you tried to fucking kill me?" I yelled, and I see him flinch at the memory, good, he remembers how he destroyed my life.

"Naruto I … I'm sorry, really, I am." Sasuke said, and he sounded choked up on his words. The great Uchiha … apologized … and is crying too? "I … I was in the middle of a psychotic break and seeing Itachi that same day didn't help at all. I kept hearing his voice and that Orochimaru bastard's voice and I didn't have any real control over what I did. I tried stopping myself many times before it got too far. But, I didn't really hear you talking to me until I already hit your head with a frying pan and I … I thought I killed you.

"I gave up on Itachi, if you must know. And after I realized what I did to you, I went to Kakashi and I made sure I got admitted here." He said, and I swore my fists were clenched so tight my nails were digging into my palms and my knuckles were as white as snow. Man I was beyond pissed off.

"And let me guess, you told everyone to make sure I didn't know?" I yelled, and I wasn't going to stop yelling any time soon either.

"I was hoping, at least a little bit, that you could forget about me. Because I didn't deserve anything like friendship from you after what I did." Sasuke said, and he sounded like he truly meant it. "After all this time, I had hoped you could move on and find someone else that would make you happy, like Sakura or any one of your friends."

"Does Sakura know you're here?" I ask, and prayed that he said no.

"To some extent, yes, she doesn't know how long I've been here though." Sasuke answered.

"When did she find out?" I spat.

"A couple months ago." Sasuke said, "around the time I was having another psychotic break because the voices came back saying that everyone here was poisoning me so I managed to stop taking my medicine and it all went to hell. Honestly, it took me until last week to get back in my right mind. And it was last week when Kakashi told me what you tried to do."

"He … he told you?" I screamed before facing Kakashi with the deadliest glare I could come up with and it worked, because he was backing up against the door looking like a scared dog. "You told him that I tried killing myself? What happened to doctor-patient confidentiality?"

"I didn't tell him, he found out on his own, honest. All I told him was that you were admitted to the hospital is all." Kakashi said, fucking liar.

"And why should I believe you?" I spat.

"Because he's telling the truth …" Sasuke whispered so low I almost didn't hear him. "Did you forget that there was no way I would have known that you did that unless I heard it from you myself? Now … my assumptions were right."

"So, you're already using your smart ass remarks to get answers from me? How Uchiha like of you." I snapped as I turned back to face the bastard. "Do you also know that I've suffered immensely because of you? I'm now an insomniac, taking medicine for severe-depression and being watched like a psychotic dog because of my failed attempt at suicide?"

"I do now …" Sasuke said, still in a whisper, his head low and refusing to look up at me. But I could tell that he was still crying. Fucking jerk.

"Do you know how long I've waited to hear from you to make sure you were alright?" I ask, finally calm enough but you can tell the screaming hurt my throat a bit because my voice was a little hoarse.

"I can imagine." He says.

"Are you going to ever leave?" I ask.

"I don't know, I get the psychotic breaks every half year or so because my metabolism is so fast my medicine doesn't work as long as it should." He says.

"I see …" I sighed, finally sitting down in one of the chairs because my head is starting to spin a little bit. And I think Kakashi realizes how much my head is hurting too.

"Do you need your headache medicine Naruto?" He asks.

"Yea, please?" I tell him, and Kakashi steps out of the room for a moment with the door ajar, but I know personally that he's holding the door while he's talking to the nurse that must be waiting for Sasuke in case something happens.

"Did I really hurt your head that much?" Sasuke asks, and he sounds really hurt.

"If you really want to know, if I get hit on the head anymore I'll bleed to death before I can get to the hospital." I tell him, and he sinks in his chair. "You were really strong when you hit me."

"I'm sorry." There it is again, an Uchiha saying sorry and really meaning it.

"I kind of forgave you after I learned about your family and such, but you're still a bastard ya know." I tell him, and with a smirk in the end. And at the old nickname he looks up at me and sure enough, his cheeks are stained with tears that he's shed since I got here.

"You know how to haunt someone when you leave that dramatically." I tell him with a sigh, just as Kakashi comes back in with my medicine and a bottle of water.

"Here you go Naruto." Kakashi says as he hands me the two pills and the water. I can understand why the bottle didn't come in with him, this is a psych ward after all, and I took the two pills with the whole bottle of water and handed it back to Kakashi empty. I'll let him throw it away since I don't know if throwing it away in here is such a good idea. No offense to Sasuke at least.

"So, if you get released, where would you stay?" I asked, muse hinted in my words.

"I don't know … Kakashi said the Uchiha estate was sold off a long time ago." Sasuke answered, and I felt bad for him for a change.

"We have a spare bedroom at our house." I offered before I thought about what I just said, and groaned inwardly at them. Damn me and my big mouth.

"Let Sasuke go a year without a psychotic break, then we'll think about him going home okay?" Kakashi said as he placed a hand on my shoulder. I knew he was right, though, but a year was so long. It's unfair.

"For you, Naruto, I'll work hard on keeping with my medicine." Sasuke said, and he sounded so sure it would work, and I hoped it did.

"I'll tell my father the news myself, he'll be glad that I've made amends to the past and such." I sighed. "There are just some rules that you need to follow when you get to my place." I added with a smirk.

"And what are those?" He asks with a raised eyebrow.

"No one, and I mean, absolutely no one is allowed in my studio unless I let them in myself." I said and glanced at Kakashi, who whined at the memory.

"He means it … I got a concussion from him because he threw me out by my hair." Kakashi said, rubbing his head where he was hit and I laughed.

"Two, you take my cigarettes from me and I'll be your worst nightmare, third, if I'm drinking, don't dump it down the drain unless I'm asleep. I like my sake because it helps me calm down to get some sleep after a week of non stop painting." I said, and I can feel Kakashi's eyes bore into my back.

"I heard it took Hinata, Kiba, Gaara and Neji to hold you back while Sakura was dumping all drops of alcohol down the drain the other day." He says.

"Yeap." I nodded, but I know Sasuke's glaring at me.

"You should stop smoking, and drinking." He says, and I know I should, but when I think about it; his father was a drinker and his mom smoked once in a while. Yea, I'm gonna have to stop smoking and drinking before he comes back.

"I'm starting now actually, after one more cigarette, it's the last one in the last pack I have anyway." I said with a shrug.

"Good, because both can kill you." Sasuke said, and I keep quiet at his words. I don't want to bring up his parents, never, actually.

I only smile and Sasuke and I talk about the last nine years for the next hour or so, until Kakashi says that we need to go so Sasuke can go to group therapy. And as I'm about to walk out of the room with Kakashi behind me, Sasuke stops us and is looking away like he's sort of unsure about what he's about to say.

"Kakashi … I want Naruto to have the journals I've been writing since I got here." He says suddenly, and from the reaction Kakashi makes, it's a huge surprise that Sasuke's made such an offer for me to take home with me. "All but the recent one." He adds in the end.

"Okay, I'll have the nurse bring them to us while we get our stuff, and I'm proud of you Sasuke. Just to let you know." Kakashi said, and added a smile at the end before the two of us leave the room and Sasuke's nurse goes in and escorts him to wherever his group therapy is.

I wonder why Sasuke wants me to read those journals, but either way, I'll read them like he wants me to. And I hope it isn't a lot, because lately, I can't concentrate on books.

As Kakashi and I gather our stuff and I'm putting my own shoes on after putting the necklace back on, a nurse comes over to us with five bags filled with journals and I inwardly groan at the amount that bastard has written in nine years.

This is going to be a long ass read, no doubt about it.


End file.
